Friday, August 18, 2017

An end



J: So mate. The end of an era and the beginning of an indefinite hiatus. How do you feel?

K: I feel happysad! Like I often feel at the end of a wonderful book. I'm so happy that I've arrived at a point of resolution, but sad that I don't get to spend time with these characters anymore.

What about you?

J: Yeah, I pretty much feel the same way. Like I think it will be a liberating new time, but also I will really miss reading and writing Miss Soft Crab!

K: I'll miss it too. Heaps.

J: I feel sad that I won't be able to explore things in the same way anymore in this forum and maybe I won't think about things the same way. And I feel like I missed all these opportunities! Like why didn't I ever write about how much I love Jonny Lee Miller's dorky Instagram account where he basically just posts pictures of his cat and stories of himself putting the last piece into puzzles!? 

K: He does? That's pretty charming. Appleheart has an amusing instagram account that involves him posting photos of abandoned trolleys, which you see a lot of in the 3072. Yesterday he posted a photo of a trolley full, and I mean FULL of protea flowers.  Maybe it's because MSC is winding up, but I found it very moving.

J: Yeah, that was amazing!

K: It was. But that's a side note. The point is that with MSC winding up, we'll be doing less pausing and reflecting.

J: YES! I really worry about that.  But I do also wonder if it will give us some space to think about things in other ways. Maybe a new way to approach MSC down the track?

K: I think we both want that to happen, right? If you love something, set it free? If it comes back to you etc etc blah blah blah?

J: You said it mate. You and all those other people said it!

So are there any old posts you've thought about this week you would have like to showcase or just have remembered fondly in this reflective time?

K: Whoa, great question. Let's see. All the HotMC posts. Every time we spoke about Ewan. You?

J: Oh god! Every time we spoke about Ewan! I'll really miss that! 






Yeah! When we realised Prince was creepy/sexy!

I love how MSC documents phases. Like the weird Twilight phase.  Or the current totally distracted by life phase.

K: Yeah, Miss Soft Crab has seen it all. When we started, Baby was a tiny baby. I was living in North Carlton and about to go to NYC with KJ.

We spent half that holiday talking about the dude that ran the local bar who she thought was a pretty fun guy to hang out with.  Now she's married to him and little Pip is here. 

Now KB is here, Appleheart is here. 

Newbie and Little Bean are here.

J: You didn't even know Appleheart existed!

K: I thought MONA was the best thing to come out of Hobart! And Thor Friendship.

J: Wehadn't even been to Hobart when Miss Soft Crab began!

Oh, I'm sad that when we go to Adelaide to try Jamface we won't be able to document it here. 

K:  MATE when are we going to do that?!

J: I'm sad that when I finally dye my hair blonde I won't be able to document it here!

K:  MATE when are we going to do that?!

J: I'm sad that when I discover whether or not Tom Hardy is hot I won't be able to document it here! Mate. When are we going to do all this?!

K:  Look. We're not dying, we're just putting MSC on indefinite hiatus.  And Tom Hardy is hot, it's a true fact.  And I'm sure there will be things that happen to us, with us, to all of us, that we'll need to come here to discuss.  Maybe when we go to Jamface.  Maybe when you/we dye your/our hair blonde.  Definitely when QEII, well, you know.

J: Oh geez.

K: And what happens if another true hunk comes along? We're going to have to meet here to talk about it.

J: Yeah! You're right! We're not dying. And neither is QEII!! We're just taking an indefinite hiatus! I just really love MSC!

K: Me too. Heaps.

J: May another true hunk come along, mate! I mean things looked bleak for a while there and then Hemsworth arrived! 



K: Yeah he did. Things are changing, sure. But we love MSC. And we love to eat, see and think about stuff. We're just going to do it a little differently from now on.

So Crab fans, you magnificent people, I guess we'll see you on the flip side?

J: I guess you're right mate. You're right. But can I just add Leonardo DiCaprio to this conversation? Not ‘cause I have anything to say about him, it just feels right to mention him.





And now I guess I'll say see ya!

K:  I do not take Leonardo DiCaprio for granted and I do not take Miss Soft Crab for granted.

J: Fin?

K: See you Matey. 😢

J: Bye 😭














           




Thursday, August 17, 2017

Haiku Thursday

I tried to tell K last night how I loved her post yesterday. I loved how she brought us hunks through HotMC and HotMC through WTF Wednesday. Ironic that our last week before an indefinite but hopefully finite hiatus should come so easily and be so enjoyable to read and write. 

Anyway it's Thursday and there would be no other appropriate way to spend our last ever Thursday (before this hiatus) than revisiting some golden hiaku. Some may think Hiaku Thursday was just an easy way out but in fact Haiku Thursday is goldmine of pristine nuggets just waiting to be (re)discovered. Seriously there is some great shit in there. But today I'm going to reproduce some haiku from three of the most important themes to ever be explored through haiku: Sparkleface, Jews, and the most famous Jew - Jesus.  
Haiku impressions of Edward Cullen
by K and J



I
Stupid Sparkleface
With his stupid sparkly face
Get a real face!

II 
You can climb a tree
Really fast. Um, so what, guy!
So can possums! Dick.

III
Edward Cullen's best
Thing are his ever larger
Volvos. For reals guy.

IV
Girl found you're a vamp
By searching the internet. 
That's really lame, guy.

V
I think vamps are hot
But somehow Cullen kills it
Pussy vamps aren't hot.

Haiku impressions of Jacob
by K and J



In real life I
Love wolves. In Twilight Saga
I'm team wolf. TEAM WOLF!

II 
I love how the wolves
Are giant. I love how they
Are too hot for shirts

III 
I love how the wind
Blows through their fur. It suggests
Sensitivity. 

IV 
As well as being
a wolf (hot), Jake just seems like
better company.

V
If Edward's feelings
For Bella are wrong, then mine
For Jacob are too 

VI
Yeah. I guess we both
Know police chief swan is more
Age appropriate.


Just one more, I promise
I love you I hate
You I love you I hate you
Breaking Dawn Part 1

If J's allowed one, then I'm allowed one
Breaking Dawn Part 1. 
You sucked so very much. So
Why can't I quit you?
 


Haiku interpretations of what a random selection of Jews might have written in their diaries during the time that they were enslaved in Egypt and leading up to their release

Pharaoh be trippin’
He be hatin’ and killin’
Why he oppressin’?

Jews are people too
The chosen people! Jealous?
Suck it up bitches!

Is this for real?
Gotta  put blood on my door?
Oi vey! What a mess!

Who’s this guy Moses?
You want I should follow him?
I hope he’s a mensch

Haiku interpretations of what one very astute observer may have written in his diary
 I
Blood, frogs, lice, flies and
Pestilence, boils, hail
Locusts and darkness
II
What’s coming next, huh?
Slaying of the first born? No!?
Suck it, oppressors

Haiku impressions of what Jesus might have written in his diary during the week leading up to his crucifixion.



Monday
Hung with disciples
Found Lazarus dead. Hells no!
Miracled him back.


Tuesday
Woke with mad craving
For felafel. So what's new?
To Jerusalem!


Wednesday
Back to back meetings.
I was all Miracles, yo!
But they be hatin'.


Wednesday (later, in the Garden of Gethsemane)
God told me "The Plan".
Gulp! Also, Judas hates me?!
WTF!? Since when?
 : (


Thursday
BEST farewell dinner
With disciples. Ate WAAAAAYY too
Much bread! *Love* those guys!


Thursday (later)
I should have shaved my
beard before supper. It's so
Full of crumbs now. LOL!

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Wtf? Wednesday

Miss Soft Crab is characterised by many beloved traditions such as Haiku Thursday and WTF? Wednesday.  Mostly beloved by us,  because coming up with great ideas to produce the content you all love is no picnic, and any time we got to work to a theme my goodness, we took it. 
That's why I can't believe it's taken until Wednesday to talk about hunks, in particular, the
Hunk of the Month Club.
  Wtf? indeed!

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

You do have to know when you have to go

The fact that Prince Phillip decided to retire from public life at the random age of 96 makes me think that he's spent the last few years talking to advisors and QEII putting forward the idea of retiring until finally they all decided it was time to go. Or I guess, more likely, given his constant inappropriate remarks, he has been listening to people for decades suggest he retire from public life and finally decided he was too tired to go on. I guess we'll never know exactly how this decision came to be, but one thing we do know for sure is that The Crown really did put PP in a hot new light.


I can only hope that one day a series based on the life of the Misses Soft Crab appears on Netflix and presents us in a hot new light. But as K told us yesterday, not quite in so many words, we probably need to take an indefinite hiatus in order for the world to be able to appreciate our true genius.

But before we go a brief stroll down memory lane. It's interesting to me that we've been expressing out annoyance at GOOP since the very inception of MSC, as evidenced by that time K and I recast ourselves as GOOP and Jay-Z and replicated the interviews they did of each other. Ugh, it's annoying just thinking about it. But hilarious remembering our versions found here and here.

Monday, August 14, 2017

You have to know when you have to go

No one was more surprised than me when Prince Phillip emerged as the most appealing character in 2016's hit series The Crown. Miss Soft Crab is known for its appreciation of QEII and her inspirational fully realised personal style, Monarchrome. I expected to love QEII in The Crown and surely I did. But Phillip has  been little more than the tall racist who tagged along with her at events. So you could colour me surprised when I found myself being totally charmed by his characterisation in The Crown. He seemed to be in love with his wife, building a life with her, but frustrated by the way that QEII  occupying her power meant he had to shape himself around that role. He was relatable. Plus, he was young and super handsome. 



Last week, the real Prince Phillip retired after decades of following QEII around as she occupied her power and later, her awesome QEII style. 



I wondered what triggered his retirement. How did he decide, at 96, after more than 22,000 events, that it was time? Wouldn't he have been justified retiring  at 90? At 95? Why now Prince Phillip? Why now? 
I guess there's no one reason. It's just time to go.

Miss Soft Crab began in 2010 out of a desire to talk about the themes the great poets have talked about forever: hunks, food and other things that seemed like they needed to be talked about from time to time.

Those themes have endured for 7 years.
But it's time for us to do a Prince Phillip. It's time for us to go. Probably not forever. But for a while. Indefinite hiatus, we're calling it.
This week, we bring you classics from the MSC back catalogue, so we can all enjoy those themes again. 

Like that time there was only ONE HUNK on screen during an entire three hour oscars telecast.
Robbed!